Have you ever been afraid? I don’t mean of spiders, or heights, or even cockroaches *shudder*. I’m talking about down-to-your-core feel-it-in-your-bones kind of fear. Some may call it Anxiety, but it is really fear.
Fear of something that has already happened; Things that may happen in the future. Even things that we are currently doing. I find it really stupid to be as fearful as I am about certain things. For example, I never answer a number I don’t know on my cell phone. Ever. Why? Because it could be a debt collector, or a sales person, or even my ex (blocked number yesterday). The point is not that any of these things scare me in a traditional fashion, but more that they are annoying and I just don’t want to deal with them.
When I was married, the frog spent several years just laying on the couch, not bringing in a penny of income. So, naturally, during this time we incurred a lot of debt. And since he trashed his credit very early on in our relationship, the debt ended up in my name. The amount of debt I have is not huge, by any means. But, it is big enough that I would rather ignore it completely than deal with it. And, while all this is happening, his credit is repairing itself over the years so he ends up leaving me with all the debt. Jackass.
I didn’t answer the phone the other day when the HR office called from my now-previous job. Why? I didn’t want to hear what they had to say. And then I really had a “come to Jesus” meeting with myself. I thought, “No matter what they have to say to me, things are going to happen. Whether they try to charge me back for FSA money, or what, it is going to happen whether I participate or not.” So, I called her back. And I am so glad that I did! Turns out there was an error on my FSA card that I could clear up easily and NOT have it taken out of my last check. Whew!
So, it occurs to me that so many of my fears are something that I have just ignored until they become the big hairy monster in the room. Had I dealt when them when they were tiny dust specks, they would have been much less daunting, and I wouldn’t have had so much damn anxiety about it. Because money is a scary thing to me. Mostly the lack of money scares me. My greatest fear is that I will become homeless and will be living under a bridge. The logical side of me KNOWS that will never happen. But the irrational fear is still there. So, I tend to hoard money when I can, and spend it freely when I probably shouldn’t. I hate checking my bank balance for fear there won’t be any money there (also comes from years of said freeloader spending every dime I made on custom boots or other stupid things). Irrational, I know, but there it is.
So, again, it occurs to me that if I would deal with these issues early on, they will be much easier to manage. My thought is this – Whatever you fear… it is time to face it. Whether it be microscopic or big and hairy, it is time to face the music.
Because there are greater things to fear than these silly things. I shouldn’t have to hide from anyone on my phone, because I can choose to hang up at any time. I definitely shouldn’t keep hiding from my debt because it isn’t getting any better on its own. And I also have to face the fact that my health isn’t were it needs to be – and a lot of that, doctors tell me, is attributed to years of acute stress. It is amazing to me the things that I have done to myself, in order to ignore (or spite) something/someone else. Really. Flipping. Dumb.
This morning I have a doctor’s appointment (freaking 2 hours after I thought the appointment time was supposed to be – GAH!) that may reveal results I don’t want to hear. But, that won’t make the results any less real (if there is even anything to worry about). So, I will sit here in the mall food court waiting for my actual appointment time and try to think of ways I can change myself for the better.
Because, sister, this is what being a Self Saving Princess is all about. I can’t wait for someone to come riding in and save me from the crap I have created. I will not lay around (anymore) pretending things don’t exist with fingers in my ears saying, “lalalalalalala I can’t hear yooooou!” Because as fun as that is – having less fear and anxiety in my life would be infinitely better. So, if you are waiting around like I have been – Get off your ass and save yourself. Take care of the microscopic problems and deal with the monsters as best you can. We will all feel better when we do.