Once I jumped out of the tower Spiderman style, I spent a lot of time running around, doing everything BUT dealing with my emotions. I went out with friends, I read a lot, I played on Facebook. Really ignoring everything and anything that would force me to deal with my issues.
But here’s something they don’t want you to know, whomever the theoretical “they” may be… Your emotional health is directly tied to your physical health. And sooner or later, that physical health is going to bite you squarely in the butt.
Which is exactly what happened to me. After I left the frog, I started having panic attacks (again). Mostly, when he would call or send a barrage of weirdo text messages (very off the wall and totally insane). I went to my family doctor, who also treated the frog and knew his nuts-o behavior patterns, and asked to be given something for anxiety. He gave me Lexapro… which I took for months, even though it gave me scary full-body shocks.(Eventually, it was discovered to be the worst thing I could have been taking for my body chemistry)
My physical health really began to decline to where I would be sick and eventually end up in the ER or admitted into the hospital. I managed to have a run of 8 months when I wasn’t sick.
But, then it happened again. With much more ferocity. They checked me out for everything known to man. I refused to believe that there wasn’t something horribly wrong and they just didn’t find it.
And then, I finally figured it out. For years, I had been stuffing those emotions down so deep, that once I couldn’t stuff it anymore, they came spewing out of me… quite literally, in fact.
A good friend told me that she thought it was time that I got help, of the psychiatric kind. I agreed wholeheartedly after I ended up twitching on the floor of her living room for a while. So, I did seek help. What I learned was that I was so repressed and full of “I’m fines” that it really messed with my brain.
I never processed all the crappy things the frog did to me throughout our marriage. I never wanted to fully believe the things I knew in my heart to be true. Because that would make me feel like SUCH a loser for sticking around with him, even while he was being horrible. And who wants to feel like a loser?? Not this girl.
I never processed the fact that after my divorce was final, and I ran out to start dating again, the first 5 guys I dated were carbon copies of the frog. I should never be allowed to date, because I am horrible at it. I also have learned that I have this overwhelming desire for people to like me. Not my best moments, I can tell you.
And then something happened that I did not expect. I met this guy online, as you do, and he was so very different. I almost didn’t give it a chance, because he didn’t meet my typical “type”. You know… dumb as a stump, treated me like I should be thrilled they are talking to me. (Can we say that self esteem isn’t my best Jeopardy catagory??) This guy was different. He was educated. He was extremely smart. He was funny, in his own way (terrible groaner-puns). He was a geek. Oh, how I always wanted a geek.
You see, deep down, I am totally a girl geek. I have hidden it fairly well, but it is there. I like Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, and Harry Potter. I also like reading and writing and having intelligent conversations. When I read this guy’s profile, it was a million pages long (plus – my dating profile was also a million pages – sort of a reading comprehension test, if you will) and full of all the same things I like.
Oh, and he is an opera singer. I have always been a terrified singer, but a really good one. I have never dated anyone who could even carry a tune in a bucket. I also found out that we actually had some mutual acquaintances. In a city this large, that is a little rare. I was able to scope him out ahead of time, which was nice. So, I did the unthinkable. I stepped out of my moronic-guy comfort zone and accepted the first date with him.
And it was by far the best date I have ever been on. He took time to think about me as a person… my likes… my interests… my inner girl geek… and he took me to The Hobbit Cafe. If you are in the Houston area and haven’t been there, I highly recommend it. It was fun for me that he actually put thought into the date. So very different from the dinner/movie/try-to-get-into-your-pants dates. After dinner, we went to The Chocolate Bar (also highly recommended). He also asked permission to give me the first kiss. So very sweet and utterly wonderful.
I have had a very rough year this year, and he has stood by my side 100% of the time. Through 7 hospital stays and a myriad of misery, he has been there trying to do whatever he could to help me feel better. He is my rock, and I finally feel like I am on the path I am intended to walk.
Last week, he asked me to marry him, shortly before our 10 month anniversary.
And I said yes.
Actually, what I believe I said was, “Absolutely!!” hehe
Now, with lots of therapy and a loving partner, I am getting my health and my life back. Listen to me, fellow princesses… don’t discount the knight in rusty red armor… he might just be the one to take your breath away.
I get you girl!! And, I’m “fine” hahaha
Amen, Sister! Being open to what you really deserve, thinking out of the box and breaking your patterns are the first steps to finding happiness. You guys deserve all of the happiness in the world!
Liz, I just started reading the blog. Thank you for taking the time to talk about these kind of issues, since you have been through them. I am so happy for you and your knight. I just wanted to say that you make him so happy and excited and that makes me happy also. I look forward to the journey with you.
Thanks for sharing.